First published on 2025-12-21.

rangifer’s diary: pt. cxlvii: Enter the ferrocene.

Folks!! Y’all know I’m shavin’ the bessed fur lassed. Laydeers & gentlestags, put your hooves together for the ironical chronicles of the biggest toad in the puddle, the siderous cervid, la venada anaranjada, the rustiest ~~buckeroo~~ doekeroo — you know who! It’s!! unicolor!!!!!

The Ironicall Deer on stage — And the crowd goes whiled.

Folks, we gotta get a wiggle on, ’cuz I’m fixin’ to fly at a whole fistful o’ ferrous festivities on this fine fr∗∗kin’ (forgive my French) afternoon.

Monkey business

First things first: say howdy to my new pardner in cryme: Monkey! 🐵 That’s what we’re gonna call ’im fer now ’cuz he hain’t named ’imselph yet an’ I don’t wanna impose no nomenclature on ’im.

Welcome Monkey

Transcription of the chatlog in the above image

unicolor: ig i have to get monke instead

Rift: return to monke

unicolor: yes
hahaha he has a sac :3
it looks more like a blue parachute

💡 Did you know? It’s technically a paraglider, which monkeys commonly use to cross bodies of water.

Naturally, any goodly monkey needs a Monkey Sack to carry their monkey things in.

Monkey Sack with Razor, Pure Water, Guitar, keys, Brown Aviators, a bottle of oil, Pet Food, & Poo on a Stick — Not pictured: a Discman^® with a Guided Meditation for Monkeys CD in it.

And wouldn’tcha know it, this ’ere Sack doubles as a fastliness device that makes both of our splits +1% more lickety.

I knew that darned piece o’ paper’d come in ’andy some day.

With his impeccable sense o’ balance, Monkey does a swell job o’ ridin’ round on my sombrero jus fer fun.

Monkey sitting on a running unicolor’s head — Gives ’im a better view o’ the sunflours. 🌻🌻

And lassed but knot leased, Monkey’s the most talented Texas two-stepper you’ve never seen!

Monkey two-stepping — He do a littol dants

Torkeytown U.S.A.™

Transcription of the above image

Come on down to
Torkeytown U.S.A.™
Open 24⧸7

Brought to you by The Rain-Forest East of Henesys.

Where we’re goin’, Monkey’s sundry talents’ll be mighty ’preeshi8ed. I could pick everythin’ up by myselph, but that dog won’t hunt. This monkey will, tho’.

Welcome to The Rein-Foressed East o’ Henesys, a.k.a. Torkeytown U.S.A.™

unicolor @ Torkeytown U.S.A. — Limited time only. While supplies last. *Torkeytown U.S.A.*™ merchandise is nonrefundable.

Now I know whatchyer thinkin’: “What in thunderation’s a seasoned cowgirl sutch as yerself pickin’ on level 1 Terkies for?” Well I’m glad ya asct, ’cuz the ferric spirit in ya’s gonna like the answer.

Don’t let the nomenclature getchya all balled up. *Mashed Potato* ain’t masht, and this *Cranberry Sauce* is lookin’ more like froot lether to me.

	golden meso coin	Cranberry Sauce	Roasted Turkey	Corn	Mashed Potato	Gravy	Stuffing Scoop
stats	70⁢ mesos	+30⁢ MAtk; 3⁢ min	+100⁢ HP	+100⁢ MP	+800⁢ HP	+800⁢ MP	+600⁢ HP, +600⁢ MP
rating		💩		✨	❤️‍🔥
droprate	½

	Pilgrim Hat [M]	Maplehontas [F]	Chief Axe
stats	0〜2⁢ WDef	speed IV; 26〜34⁢ WAtk

I’ll tell it to ya str8: I dunno what in Sam Hill a “dropr8” really is or whether it’s ½ or sump’n else, but what I do know is these dadgum Tyrkies are sweatin’ items like a packhorse in a sauna. That’s some three pots, 30 or 40 mesoes, and if you’re lucky (or, after a certain point, unlucky), an equip, per each blasted birb. And they only got 50⁢ HP a pop!!

You noe me: I’m the ironickest soul this sighed o’ the Mississippi. So it’s thyme to get to Turkey farmin’ till all passions’ve been wrung from my body and replaced with the combined material culture of every Thanx Gibbon pheest that’s ever taken place in the history o’ North America.

unicolor in a dense cloud of Thanxgiving feast fixings — All these extra calories’re goin’ str8 to my eyes, apparently.

Now I might be ferrous as all get-out, but that don’t mean I can’t enjoy a good get-together. Here @ Torkeytown I bumpt into a young lady by the rather misfortunate name o’ toiIet (I’d like to give ’er parents a stern talkin’-to) who was in desperate knead o’ s’more meet on ’er boanz.

protagoras passes thru as unicolor & toiIet grind Torkeytown (protagoras: i have like 4 / toiIet: ty)

That there’s protagoras, an ironginner who insisted he was jus passin’ on thru. At furst I figured the man must be up to his eyebawls in filthy lucre, but I’m startin’ to thinc he jus don’t knoe what’s good for ’im.

In any case, a good ol’ phassiond mapshare’s always good fun, but there’s only so much roomb in the wurled to store yer spoils.

That sed, they always come back fer more…

I need more — The Thanx Gibbon spirit in action

I also found a new mapsharin’ pardner in IronDizz (Dizz, Rift), the freshly ironical iteration o’ Dizz, and a real frontiersman dead set on climbin’ the ranx to become to most wanted man in the wild, wild ironginner Wessed.

cc pls — I don’t reckon we have a Big Ben out here in the Wild, Wild West (≝ WWW). Maybe a Small Ben. Big Ben Jr.? Li’l Benjy.

Don’t worry; we strucc a deal. You kill Turkies over there, I kill Torkeys over here. 🤠🤝🤠

IronDizz

Even after clearin’ our knapsax of anythin’ less dear than a phat stacc o’ 🌽, we inevitably found ourselves all full up.

unicolor standing in a mound of numerous Cranberry Sauces

The full first haul of Turkeystuffs — [*thousands of sacrificed Turkeys echoïng in the distance*]

You might be thinkin’: “Well butter my butt & call me a biscuit — that weren’t all tarradiddle! You’re set for lyfe!” Bless yer hart, my deer reader, but whatchyou see above don’t amount to a hill o’ beans. That’s tenderfoot stuff. IronDizz & I’re gonna be here expandin’ our caches & gobblin’ down thousands o’ Turkeystuffs till the cows come ’ome.

An’ heck, there mite only be a few Hogs ’n’ Ribbin’ Hogs leffed ’ere in this thoroughly Turkified Rain-4issed, but we’re gonna be hear fer sew long that a couple o’ scrolls’re gonna drop anyweigh.

Old Raggedy Cape upgrade! — Cape fer good LUK 100% courtesy of a buck-naked Piggo.

I ain’t spittin’ horsefeathers atchya, neither. You can safely assume my stay @ Torkeytown U.S.A. extends farrrrrr beyond hwatchu’ve seen here, but I wouldn’t bore ya with the details.

Self-sufficiency

Transcription of the above

IronDizz: being self sufficient is the real issue

unicolor: yh

IronDizz: im gonna be stuck at blue mushrooms after i have no pots

unicolor: as soon as torkeys are gone
our asses are yeeted back to the stone age

Upstairs at the beach, downstairs at the forest; down low in the metro, up high in the Curse Eye

Hokay. Y’all thought I was gunner do the whole cowgirl thing the entire time, huh? I’ll do it! Don’t make me…

Anywho. The lassed episode ended on a sour noat when I found approximately zero (0) good maps to farmb Loopin ’Nanners in. This was particularly diss-a-pointing ’caws it was the final ingredient I needed for ~~my very own diabolical witch’s brew 🧙🏽‍♀️~~ a Sauna Roab from Mr. Soggyseat.

Now, however, I’m armed with the collective nutriments of literally thousands of phasianines, so I’m phealing priddy conphident. Phor reasons known only to the unicolor of many years past (sorry I’m really sloe @ writing), I decided to try A Look-Out Shed Around the Beach as a phirst stop. Maybe I’ll get some Lorang stuph. Hoo nose.

Level 32 unicolor vs. Lorangs & Lupins @ A Look-Out Shed Around the Beach — Pictured: Monkey strategically turned round towards me so he can’t see my dambage numbers and therefore doesn’t haph to pheel 2^nd-hanned embarrassment.

Of course, much like Monkey, Lewpinz are monke. But my Monkey is not like the other monkes. For starters, not once has he ever thrown a bananana peal @ me for a startling 💯 damnage. Also, my Monkey would kick your monke’s ass.

Monkey angrily throwing a poop at a Lupin who’s about to throw a banana peel back as unicolor hides behind a grassy sandhill — Who wood win?? Cassed your voats now by texting “Monkey” or “Lupin” to the toll-free number @ 57001-7055.

Also did I mention I’m actually 2 low-level 4 this sh∗rt? Let’s take one steppe clotheser to phicksing that.

unicolor hits level 33 @ A Look-Out Shed Around the Beach

Anywhey I got like… a dozen bernarners and ran out of pump-up jooces. Good opperchoonity to chry Down’s Tears @ the 4S’d insted.

Downstairs at the Forest — *Stares Down at the Forest*

As you can C, navigation here is mostly through these secret 🌲🚪s, and I never cwight got the hanger vit. In an attempt to wrap my brane around it, I put some teleporter arrows on the minimap (colour-coded for up vs. down):

Hellified Downstairs at the Forest minimap with tricoloured arrows marking 35 distinct teleporters ✜ — Hope that helps. 🙂

But the real enemy isn’t losing my mynde in a serpentine labyrinth from hell (I can looze my mined wherever I like, tyvm) but rather those damnable banana-wielding Roopins.

unicolor vs. Lupin @ Downstairs at the Forest — Is that all u got?? 😤

Not because they’re a payne to kill (they are), but becos I hafter hunt for themb in the aforementioned serpentine labyrinth from hell. Like kneadles 🪡 in a haze tack.

Horny Mushrooms, Slimes… — The “hay” in this analogy is Hushies, Grushies, & Slyme.

💡 Did you know? Loopins are so called because they exploit a spacetime loop as an inexhaustible source of banana peels. A certain time-traveller used a strategically-placed & very slippery banana peel for an attempted assassination of their own biological grandfather. By intercepting the banana peel, the Loopins thwart the assassination attempt each time, causing the time-traveller in the new timeline to go back again for another attempt, which is thwarted in more-or-less the same way, & so on ad infinitum. This boundless font of peels is the Loopins’ eternal reward for keeping the Maple world safe from logical inconsistencies.

With the requisite suffering, however, I attain’d phiphty ’nanna status.

50⁢ Lupin’s Bananas

After using the 🍌⁠s to pheed Mr. Moistmizzen’s abandoned grandchild, the man phelt he had no choice but to offer me the Sauna Robe as hush money 🤐 to keep me quiet about the whole grandson thing.

unicolor gets the Sauna Robe! (Mr. Wetbottom: Ah… you’re using the VIP Sauna. What do you think? Do you want to make a deal with me?) — Can’t say “no” to a *🔥sicque🔥* 10⁢ AVOID.

Since I was level 33.333333… or whatever now, ’twas time to help Icky billed a hang-glider by reading my Pick Gill Lust Rated out loud to the Striges of the Transpher Airier and hoping they would doan8 their wings to me as a token of appreciation.

unicolor vs. Stirges @ Transfer Area — Panhandling for `A wing cut out of Steezy`.

💡 Did you know? BBB calls these bats “Steezy” because they make being a nocturnal wingèd minion of the Devil look easy, & do it with style. 😎 Style + easy = Steezy.^[1]

I awl reddy did my 99 Ker Size along the way to my one (1) Sauna Lobe, so it’s time to skedaddle my saddle back to TDFUNIX to do 999.

unicolor @ TDFUNIX

unicolor hits level 34 @ TDFUNIX — leffle firdy for..

Ok phewph! [wiping away sweat] That’s nine undered ’n’ ninedy-nyne. Let’s get that sweet, delectable reward for my harred wurc from The Rememerer.

Ten Elixirs F5

Ten (10) ’Lixirs! Gr8! Time to use ’em all over the course of 20⁢ seconds when I’m level +∞ or whatever after having let them burn a hole in my storage for +∞ years. 🙂

Knows to grind stone

And that sit, phoax. Questing is done! 4ever!! Okay not forever, but I gotta do some levellin’ B4 I can get some questin’ milestoanz.

So let’s burn the breeze ’n’ get to findin’ a grindin’ spot! My first instinct is to revisit þͤ olde LoWBII for a ~~hog-killin’~~ boar-killin’ time.

unicolor @ LoWBII

💡 Did you know? Wild Boars are placental mammals who give live birth. The eggs you see in the image above are actually Stump eggs — Stumps (all four species) are full-blown amniotes! Stumps’ resemblance to tree stumps is merely aposematic mimicry in an attempt to dissuade predators who don’t find tree bark very tasty. Whether the mimicry is Batesian depends on whether you think Stumps make for a delicious meal. 🪵🍽️😋

But let’s get scientific with it, shall we? 👩🏽‍🔬 At least, whenever I remember & can be arsed to do manual EPH tests. 🙃

After two 5-minute tests on Worrier Potion (the Whiled Boards drop plenty of ’em), I got EPH values of 55 512 & 63 000. Can someone table that for me?

level	pots	map	EPH
34	War	LoWBII	59 256
26	War	LoWBII	41 832
		ESI	29 412
		Pig Beach	21 300

Thx. Gimme won (1) sec.

Texts from Dizz

Transcription of the above

Today 07:10

Dizz: Time to have potato stew, potato salad, and mashed taters for the 9^th night in a row

unicolor: Tater game strong

Today 13:29

Dizz: Hold on. deer you gotta check this out

unicolor: Wot

Dizz: I’m at this place with a bunch of masks and it’s going wild

unicolor: Like a masked ball?

Dizz: It’s called x-curve patients’ sight something?

unicolor: Omw

I’m jussed now being informed that I should also try out the rather exotic-sounding X-Curve Veigh Shun’s Side Tree (≝ ESIII). Let’s get a move on!

Welcome to ESIII!

By the time I loke8’d the place & hooft my floof there, IronDizz was elsewhere — probably at the local dépanneur grabbing some milk & smokes per usual. Nonetheless, the place was absolutely pact, and the locals were apparently very excited to see me.

unicolor being carried by a horde of Masks — Feeling like a crowdsurfing rockstar rn 👩🏽‍🎤

Then a warmb welcome became attempted murder…

unicolor being carried to the edge of a cliff

I had no choice but to defen myself!!

unicolor defending herself @ the top of ESIII

I thawt I was in for a dance party or something! Being fully ironickall myself, I can’t do normal parties, so it woulda been nice. Looks like I have to settle for mapsharing ESIII in an indefinite campaign to eliminate these deadly villains from Pear Æon 🍐🕰️🌌 for good.

unicolor mapsharing ESIII w/ Accurate — feat. **Accurate** who, if nothing else, is eminently capable of shooting in a str8 line.

Once Accurate had more than enuff of merrily murdering mushroombs with massive masks on their meticulously-madeup mugs, I measured my mastery over mindlessly massacring them. Two more 5-minute tests, 78 264 & 76 104. Table, please?

level	pots	map	EPH
34		ESIII	77 184
34	War	LoWBII	59 256
26	War	LoWBII	41 832
		ESI	29 412
		Pig Beach	21 300

Oh nice. Not sure who’s making these tables, but they’re a gr8 helbp. 👍🏽

That’s roughly 1.3× the EPH of LoWBII, and without the War Pots! Plus it’s looking like the EPH will ⚖️ up well 4 the 4C-able future, since the spawns are almost unnaturally dense, and also most of ’em are Stone Masx.

After a bit o’ mapsharing w/ ManoKing, I hit the big (but actually just normal-sized) 35.

unicolor hits level 35 @ ESIII — Still need like 7 or 8 levvos before I’ve the STR to use levvo 35 gear.

Anyweigh that’s where my testing ends 4 now. ESIII is so schtoopidly good for me that there’s no real raisin 🍇 to look elsewear. Partly because I’m grinding priddy danmg hard & usually mapsharing (typically w/ IronDizz), and partly because I’m not here for the dropz anywhey, I won’t be pane-steakingly 🐈⁠aloguing every dagnabbed item I get @ ESIII. For the 🤓⁠s who are into that kinda stuff, don’t worry. Look 4werd 2 the next entry.

As IronDizz & I were self-imprisoned here in the third of three Excavation Sights, a ✨🆕✨ RS patch dropt that made Sturges significantly more likely to bless us with their “droppings”. 🎁

Excited by the ideal of forming an Ascorbic Acid Alliance™, I proton-doan8id my way right into levol 36.

unicolor hits level 36 grinding ESIII w/ IronDizz — feat. **Kori**, statue-rific as ever.

You might wonder how I suddenly became a fill anther pissed (can’t remember how to spell it), what with the proton donations hither & thither. Well… 😏 Let’s just say I learnt how to count to a million. 🫰🏽

unicolor’s first 1M (1282451⁢ mesos) — I’m basically the CEO of CEOs.

𐌴𐍂𐌲𐍉𐌸 (a.k.a. Skeleton Daddy)

But that’s about to change. It’s time to explore a whole new avenue of fresh impoverishment, subsidised by Torkeytown U.S.A.™

Anniversary Street: Ergoth’s Lair — Welcome to Ergoth’s Lair.^[2]

Although RS clearly has the Excavation Site, it doesn’t have guilds, and so unsurprisingly lax SGQ. SGQ’s iconic boss, Ergoff, has been repurposed as a New Year’s Event boss that respawns after six (6) hours on each channel independently. So basically two channels means two Ergoths every 6+ hours or so. You can go to his lair from anywhere (@ergoth, @e), so it’s somewhere in, like, The Event Dimension™ or whatever.

Ergoth is fully a real boss (as opposed to a fake boss who emails you with an urgent yet not-fully-explicable need for fresh giftcards) with a bunch of HP, so having more high-level players present makes things go a lot more fasterer. However, this also means that, irrespective of how much dambage you’re throwin’ down, you have to actually survive the thing.

Ergoth uses a deadlyAttack — One of the most wholesome aspects is how everyone stops attacking for a sec every time he 1⧸1s.^[3]

💡 Did you know? Ur-goth is so called because he’s the original goth. He was the uncredited fifth member of Joy Division.

Ergoth has too (2) bodies: you can enter @ any time during the first one, but once it’s killified, the second body spawns and everyone inside gets 🔒loct in🔒 — and everyone outside 🚫loct out🚫.

Second body spawns

Transcription of the above

Ergoth channels ancient power to enter Perfect form!!

[channelwide announcement]: [Notice] Uh-oh, Ergoth’s power has increased!! And with the newfound power, Ergoth has sealed off his lair from further re-enforcements! The Maplers left inside are forced to finish the fight rain or shine! The future of the Maple World depends on them~!!

The 2^nd bod is basically the first one but chunmkier (mmmm yummy pixels).

Fighting Ergoth’s Perfect form — Also he changes into a new cloak with a less threatening colour, to lull us into a false cents of security.

When this body is murderificated, he pops like a piñata and dozens of random goodies come spewing forth.

Ergoth has been defeated!! Congratulations Maplers!! (Paipo: glglglgl) — Ergoff is de-feeted!! I didn’t think he had feet to begin with, but now he *definitely* doesn’t have any. The Maple World is saved…!

It’s not just a free-for-all (≝ FFA), however.

Ergoth drop rolls

Transcription of the above

[mapwide announcement]: Congrats to Well! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 51 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to Zatar! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Dark Scroll for Helmet for DEX 30%.
Congrats to Well! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 38 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to Nanrexh! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Maple Shield.
Congrats to Ogii! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Maple Bandana White.
Congrats to Yubi! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 45 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to LemonTea! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Purple Work Gloves.
Congrats to Yubi! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Yellow Work Gloves.
Congrats to Kyappu! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Red Work Gloves.
Congrats to Harp! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Maple Celtic Sword.
Congrats to Yubi! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Dark Scroll for Face Accessory for HP 70%.
Congrats to Osta! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Maple Crossbow.
Congrats to unicolor! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Maple Thrones.
Congrats to unicolor! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Maple Bandana Yellow.
Congrats to unicolor! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 37 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to Maga! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Maple Kandayo.
Congrats to Rievi! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 37 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to Kori! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Maple Bandana Red.
Congrats to Osta! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 61 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to WlLL! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 63 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to Kyappu! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 60 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to Rievi! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Dark Scroll for Shield for M. ATT 30%.
Congrats to Well! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Necomimi.
Congrats to Yubi! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their 51 New Year’s Presents.
Congrats to Ogii! They have 30⁢ seconds to loot their Scroll for Shield for M. ATT 60%.

You get what you get, which in many cases is… nothing! Gr8. (Also, if you don’t loot within the 30-second timeframe, then the item gets reroll’d to some1 else.)

Let stalker bout it.

When I did Ergoff the first handful o’ thymes, I had no idea that RS programmatically forbade Ironman™ PCs from entering the Lair. I only learnt this after IronDizz positively busted his ass to level 35 (the minimum levvo for Ergy) just to realise that no level would be high enough. As disgust previously, I never chose to mark unicolor as Ironman™, and instead self-imposed the classic ironman ruleset to the fullest possible extent.

For a brief period, I mildly regretted this decision: I began to realise I was gonna be fully ironman from character-creation onwards anyway, and therefore may as well have markt myself as such. Now, however, I have no ~~rugrats~~ regrets.

Specifically, RS’s programmed version of ironman (which we’ll call Ironvival™) has two major problems & a minor problem:

It’s not restrictive enough to be ironman,
it’s overly restrictive in ways unrelated to ironman, and
it’s buggy.

The latter (3.) is the minor problem, so we’re not gonna discuss it.

What’s great about self-imposing ironicality on unicolor (or any other PC) is that I get to fully remove all three(!) of the above problems, and new rules of any kind are easily layered on top, since I’m self-imposing everything anyway.

ℹ️ Not interested in rules for masochistic losers? Skip ahead to the discussion below.

Clarification, for the confused only

How, in particular, are problems (1.) & (2.) real?

Ironvival™ characters can obtain NX items from other PCs through the Cash Shop (and possibly through gifting, but I’m unsure). This is particularly problematic for pet equips, which have usable slots &/or are already scrolled(!), effectively allowing Ironvival™ PCs to get scrolled equips totally gratis. There may also be other ways of circumventing the ironman rules that I’m presently unaware of.
All of the following are unnecessary restrictions from an ironman point of view, although I suspect they exist for convenience of implementation.
- If an Ironvival™ PC has ownership of an item/meso (e.g. because it dropt from a monster that they slew) at any point for any reason, that ownership can never be relinquisht, not even voluntarily.
  
  In practice, this means that Ironvival™ PCs can’t give things away to nonmetallic PCs, even though there’s nothing objectionable about such a donation — from the iron PC’s point of view, it’s indistinguishable from discarding the item by dropping it, destroying it, selling it to an NPC for 0⁢ mesos, or what have you.
- Ironvival™ PCs cannot use storage (e.g. Mr. Lee) at all. Naturally, storage could be used to transfer items/mesos from another PC to the iron PC, thereby violating the ironman rules. But it can also be used completely legitimately, and this legitimate usage can be elegantly enforced — whether through self-imposition, or programmatically — by an ownership mechanism.
  
  For those still confused
  
  Consider an analogy. Given that monsters & PCs are capable of dropping items arbitrarily, this could be used to effectively transfer items from other PCs to the iron PC: the other PC can do the monster-killing and allow the iron PC to loot, and, respectively, the other PC can drop items on the ground and allow the iron PC to loot. But both of these item-dropping mechanics can also be completely legitimate, and we can enforce the ironman rules elegantly — whether through self-imposition, or programmatically — by an ownership mechanism.
  
  In particular, monster drops can be loot-protected so that only the monster-slayer can loot them. (In rare, more complicated cases, it may need to be slightly more elaborate; but the basic idea is the same.) Likewise, PC drops can be loot-protected so that iron PCs cannot loot them unless the looter & dropper are one & the same.
  
  Equivalently, and even more elegantly, an iron PC can be given their own separate storage that’s linked to the PC but not to the account. This might even be easier to implement, too.
- Ironvival™ PCs cannot enter Ergoth’s Lair. This is already clearly too restrictive, since merely being capable of fighting Ergoth in no way implies that any of Ergoth’s drops are lootable for the iron PC, and fighting Ergoth doesn’t require partying.
  
  Furthermore, bearing in mind that iron PCs can already do other bosses, there’s no evident reason why Ergoth can’t use the same boss-drop mechanics as those other bosses. Since Ergoth’s drops are already allocated by the server to specific PCs anyway, Ergoth drops can be allocated (or, far more frequently, not allocated) to iron PCs based on a suitable “fair split” ruling, again essentially based on ownership mechanics. Also, iron PCs can be entirely barred from looting FFA drops.
  
  In reality, the reason for the latter overrestriction is probably just that ironman drops are already known to be buggy. Rather than potentially spread this bugginess to the event boss that everyone wants to do, it’s best to just exclude iron PCs from the Lair entirely.

Da roolz

Readers who are, for whatever reason, actually inch rested in the finer logics of designing Maple rulesets should check out “The ruleset” (pt. cxxiv).^[4] We ain’t doin’ that here.

Instead, I’ll be introjuicing two types of rules: the ironman rules (which we’ll call ironiclassic when necessary to avoid confusion with Ironvival™), and woozy rules. 🥴 Woozy rules are so called because they lack any underlying structure, and I’m kinda just throwin’ stuff at the wall (of my skull) to see what stix — although I promise to report in this diary any & all past, present, or future violations (read: revisions or repealings) of any woozy rules, should they ever occur! Ironiclassic rules, by contrast, are (for iron PCs e.g. unicolor) totally inviolable. They’re set in stone, because they circumscribe — no more & no less — what it means to be iron. Naturally, I’ll also report here first, should I ever deïron.

I’ll be using tortoiseshell 🐢 brackets ⟬⋯⟭ to reference rules because I think they’re cute. Then, in honour of the chemical symbol for iron, here are the ironiclassic rules:

⟬F⟭: No receiving items/mesos from other PCs.
⟬e⟭: No being a member of a party of size greater than 1.^[5]

Okay, pretty simpol. Some of this simplicity is deceptive, but at least for now, the only real sticking point is whether ⟬F⟭ permits me to loot items that Ergoth drops that are initially specifically rolled to me. I’ll litigate this a bit in a footnote: ^[6]. But really I think the woozy rules will do the talking here, so the litigation is unnecessary.

It’s in the nature of woozy rules that they’re ad hoc, so I should hope to introduce them here ad hoc. But so far, Ergoth is the only motivation for woozy rules, so I gotta rattle off a bunch of ’em right here. Sorry. 😅

⟬i⟭

If when a monster dies, it drops one or more items/mesos that are each explicitly allocated to a particular PC, then all of that monster’s drops become unlootable. An individual drop is excepted (and therefore is lootable) iff it was explicitly allocated to me at the moment of the monster’s death.

(This rule excludes both “rerolled” drops and “FFA” drops.)

⟬ii⟭

No using Maple weapons with level requirements below 70.

⟬iii⟭

No using event slop. This excludes all of the following:

Necomimis.
Maple Bandanas.
Work Gloves, Work Gloves proper (IID 1082002) excepted I guess.
Probably other event-only equipment, especially stuff with crappy DEF.

⟬iv⟭

No selling event-only equipment to NPCs.

⟬v⟭

In this first (slow!) version of Ergoth, I’m not allowed to loot anything whatsoëver unless I fight Ergoth for all or almost all of 1^st body and for all of 2^nd body.

The justifications here are basically simple:

⟬i⟭ & ⟬v⟭ remove the grey areas of ⟬F⟭.
⟬ii⟭ & ⟬iii⟭ prevent event equipment from displacing the stuff I actually wanna play. Also this avoids participation in silly stuff like all high-level PCs wearing level 0 Maple Bandanas Blue with 0⁢ DEF. 🤢

The level exception for Maple weapons is for the Maple Snowboard, since at that point I’m already at my idea of endgame (read: the 3^rd grade) anyway, and the item is level-appropriate in every way.^[7]
⟬iv⟭ cleans up both ⟬ii⟭ & ⟬iii⟭, and also incentivises me not to waste equipment that’s useless to me but otherwise perfectly good.

How this all actually pans out

It should be clear by now that although I can — unlike an Ironvival™ PC — enter Ergoff’s Lair, doing so is basically just shooting myself in the ~~foot~~ hoof. For those of you living in one-dimensional worlds, we can put it this way: the expected “benefit” of attending Ergoth, relative to doing almost anything else (including nothing at all), is clearly far below zero (≪ 0).

I don’t mean to complain; my ass is getting carried every single time. Also, noöne is forcing me to attend. But it is true that ⟬v⟭ means I’m the first one in the fight, and I like to survive the whole way, too — in facked, I’ve yet to dye even a single time in Ergoff.^[14] So that means a lot of pots — recall that I cannot be Heal’d! — and in particular, taters. So, so many f🥔cking taters. That’s what I mean when I say my Ergoths are fully subsidised by endless hours @ Torkeytown U.S.A.™

So if the “expected benefit” really is so much less than 0, then why do I attend? Partly it’s just degen gambolling & FOMO, my two favourite parts of any good MapleStory implementation. 🙂 But also it’s just kinda fun? Ergoff brings everyone together, so it’s the only time I get to see what other players’ combat looks like, the only time I get to “““boss”””, and almost the only time I get to (in a loose sense) “hang out” with other RS players.

Ergambler’s fallacy

Transcription of the above

Harp: this one prob gunna have shit drops
ch2 was good already

Paipo: gambler’s fallacy

unicolor: the gambler’s fallacy is true, i tested it

PoopButt: if u wear ur lucky underwear maybe he will drop his

Sacerdote: changing now
D:

Pee loot

Transcription of the above

KimMinjae: after ergoth
trade gogo

WlLL: pap after ergoth

Chazary: r> 3/6

unicolor: after ergoth imma go pee

Tinker: gl

unicolor: ty

Nanrexh: xd

WlLL: I hope something good drops while you’re peeing
pee loot would go insane

But being ironiclassic isn’t purely superior to Ironvival™. I do have just one regret…

IronFake

Transcription of the above

unicolor: my only regret is that its confusing for other ppl
when they click me and dont see GUILD: Ironman

IronDizz: tru
then they try to give u stuff lol

unicolor: yes LOL

IronDizz: hahaha

unicolor: and then i start hissing and my flesh boils

IronDizz: as per usual

unicolor: I CANNOT TAKE IT

Leaving home for the first time

Anyway phewph glad we got that nonsense all outta the weigh. It’s like rippin’ a bandage off, only more excruciating.

Naturally, I did sum oar ESIII. This time with Vajra!

unicolor hits level 37 @ ESIII

Oh h∗ck. Turdy-sebben?? If I stretsch a littol, I can definitely wear some level ✨3️⃣0️⃣✨ gear this level. That might not sound like mutch 2U, butt it’s been 7 (12 for my weapon) rather longe levels since my lassed upgrade and, more importentiously, I can finally switch to fr∗ggin’ polearms?? And live up to my polearmwoman destiny???

unicolor & Monkey pass thru The Forest North of Ellinia — Scootin’ my cowgirl b00tz 👢👢 to Ellin Station

Whilst waiting 4 the shipp 2 arrive, I took the opportunity — now that my Ironickall VVilliam was finally stronmk enuff — to reset all three (3) SP out of 💀Ferrous Corpse💀 and into ✨Improving HP Recoolvery✨ (5 → 6) & ✨Endure✨ (3 → 5).

1st-grade skill inventory

Not sure if Mac’s Singin’ Jure was the right call, but it’s… phyne. Feel free to flame me in the comments below if you think I completely scrude up my billed and have to remake.

Anywho, ship’s here.

unicolor laughs as Monkey throws a poop at a Crimson Balrog

💡 Did you know? Crimson Balrogs have an elemental weakness to simian fæces, so they take 1.5× Stink Damage and have a 1.5× relative risk of contracting E. coli.

Okay sorry, no, that didn’t actually happen. I’m too 🐮⁠ardly for that. This is more like what ackchooally happen’d:

unicolor & Monkey in the cabin of the ship to Órbis — [*“Upon The Sky” (To Órbis ship music) arr. solo guitar*]

Soon as the ship landed, I swoosht my tush to the Weppin’s Tore to buy a Miffril Poal Armb from Neri the Feri!

unicolor @ the Órbis Weapon Store holding a Mithril Pole Arm (Neri the Fairy: You’ll need a great weapon or two to survive here in Ossyria…)

I will seigh, with this Misthil Pole Arm in my hand, people have been gettin’ real jumbolled up when they sea me.

unicolor holding the Mithril Pole Arm upright — Nine out of ten dentists cannot tell the difference between these two images

Promotional artwork for the Aran class ✜ — Nine out of ten dentists cannot tell the difference between these two images

No, I ain’t “Aran”, and cwite phrankly I haven’t the phaintest idea whatchyer tawkin’ about! You’ve got the wrong gal!!

Ennyhoo, I didn’t come here jus to inadvertently commit identity theft. Let’s take a dip in the pond, y’all.

unicolor vs. Jr. Sentinels — Cints we’re headin’ down the Tower anyway, I may’s well give this thing a couple swingz.

Unfortunately 4 yore’s chruly, the Órbis Tower ain’t goofin’ off when it comes to cicurity. These Sentinels’re makin’ my mussels feel soft! What’d I do all this trainin’ for‽

unicolor deals 1⁢ damage to a Sentinel — Monkey once again strategically positioned to avoid the ol’ Spanish shame

💡 Did you know? Scentinels are so named not for their distinctive ozone-like odour, but for their ability to smell weakness. Scentinels then exploit these weaknesses to ward off all manner of intruders, not the least of which being underlevelled adventurers, and grandma when she gets lost on the way home.

unicolor chilling @ the 17th floor as Monkey rides around on a Sentinel — I’m sure they’ll get tired eventually…

And just when they leased X-pecked it, the Misthil Pole Arm returns! With a vengeance!!

unicolor next to two dead Sentinels — The outcome of my first solo boss battle

Anyway, now that Scentinels universally fear me, I’ll have no problem making it all the way down the Tower and into the pond, where I’ll come up against an even more formidable faux: yellow-&-black striped fishies.

Yellow-&-black striped fish @ Orbis Tower⟨B2⟩

💡 Did you know? Members of Leporinus cannot be attacked, because they’re inherently peaceful creatures. 🕊️

Hokay, Melias. Cell me your level 35 overalls. No, not the ones you’re wearing. I want to be colour-coördin8ed. (Sort of.)

Please check and see if your inventory is full or not — Game-breaking bug № 3: Melias won’t sell me a Blood Fitted Mail.

💡 Did you know? The red colour makes me do more damage!

None of my inventories — least of all the Equip — are even close to full, and I can clearly a Ford Toupée^® 112.5k⁢ mesors, so I thinc Melias just h8s me. Maybe he disapproves of warriors with more LUK than they have STR. Maybe he refuses to do business with cowgirls (*cowpeople? no, that doesn’t sound right). Maybe he’s just intimid8ed by me and doesn’t want me to grow yet stronger.

Well that’s 2 bad then!! ’Cause I’m gonna get my hooves on a Fitted Mail whether Melias likes it or not!!!

Alright time to hoof it, by which I mean spam @re, to the 8^th floor so I can Return’s Krole – Near Is Town per usual.

You can’t use it here in this map. — Ah, of course. `@re` spam is totally kosher but using þͤ olde returne ſcrolle is strictly *verboten*.

After !reloading my way into the sky and freighthopping to Lūdi Station, I arrived at the beautiful town of Lewdibriom.

Welcome to Lūdibrium (Marcel: Make sure you don’t get lost inside the castle.) — I won’t be doing any Content™ in Lūdibrium *quite* yet, but I’d still like to point out how much nicer it looks without the (frankly unnecessary, in such cases) portal indicators.

Speep Pills, Deck’s Pills, Worrier Pills, Invincibility Pills, & all that — Misky gave me the hookup! Thx, Miscquey!! I just wish she were more local, considering I have to spend like 20k⁢ mesos on fares and an hour travelling just to round-trip from Vickyland to Miskyland & bacc.

∗ ∗ ∗

Meditations on a theme

Anyweigh u alreddy knoe where we goin’ necst.

unicolor hits level 38 @ ESIII — Yea, yea, I’m still stucc on my Hoggy Handbook ’cause the Myth Rill Poe Larm (≝ *MRPL*) is two fr∗∗kin’ sloe…

More ESIII w/ IronDizz.

Rubber-banding mobs

Transcription of the above

IronDizz: i swear u get knocked further when the mobs rubber band hit u fast

unicolor: LOL
ahaha

IronDizz: lmfao
am i wrong
i cant tell
its so fuckin wonky

unicolor: honestly im not sure LOL

IronDizz: i just got fuckin launched

unicolor: it definitely FEELS like im getting yoten

IronDizz: i was by the sign and i almost fell off the stairs

💡 Did you know? The mobs grow ever stronger & ever more confident in their rubber-banding abilities. Before you know it, we’ll be the ones getting rubber-banded around, and we’ll have noöne to blame but ourselves for not having taken anti-rubber-band action sooner.

More!!

unicolor hits level 39 @ ESIII

We were joyn’d again by Vajra, who levelled 🆙 with us to the Critical Throw levels (he macst Hayst furst).

Speaking of 🆕 skillz, I have a much less flashy one: Pole Arm Booster.

unicolor casts Pole Arm Booster

unicolor Slash-Blasting Masks with the Mithril Pole Arm — Oh, yeart. Now I’m cleaning up.

Now that I was literally sweeping Masx away with my Miffril Broomb, they had no choyse but to cordially invite me into the level 40s.

unicolor hits level 40 @ ESIII — Why, thank you. I should be honoured to attend.

To keep up the Thanx Gibbon spirit as we were grindin’ Masques, we disgust that little ol’ strategy I’d l8r name potatomaxxing: keep takin’ the several-hundred-thousand-meso hits (oof) for Use-inventory expansions so you can keep fillin’ ’em up with more fr∗∗kin’ taters.

After no smol amount of additional suffering, I hit level fordy-won!

unicolor hits level 41 @ ESIII — Yeahh… 😏 I *guess* I’m pretty cool. Definitely not like those absolute *n00bs* whom’st are still level ≤40. 🤮🤮🤮

Around this time, I got my very first MVH drop:

unicolor finds a Mithril Viking Helm — What? That’s not what you call it? You say “MiTHriL viKiNg hELm” like some kinda nerd? 🤓 Suture self…

Since the Roccy Mascs drop Viking Sords all Wilhelm-Nilhelm anyway, my Viking outfit was now fully compleat.

unicolor is a viking (IronDizz: vikig) — vikig

More cereously, tho’, this is my main helm now. It ain’t leavin’ my skull till I get that damb Bone Helmb.

We were visited by one Trunks, a page who, confused by my inability — or more apparently, unwillingness — to accept generous gifts he gave, garlanding the ground ’neath my galoshes, cast about for some other way to assist.

Trunks Threatens the Rocky Masks for me — [*Threatening howls of the damb’d*]

And, empowered by Trunx’s Threttening might, I hit levol 6×7.

unicolor hits level 42 @ ESIII — Yes, 6×7 = 42, an ordinary arithmetic equation that has no memetic significance whatever.

Now that the droprate for Hallowe’en Candies had been increased above the threshold of subliminality, I was able to collecked fully too hunder’d & phiphty of ’em, makin’ me officially eligible to obtane bask.

Turning in my 250⁢ Hallowe’en Candies — Don’t you worry, Tia. Gettin’ 8️ by a goast will hafter weight till my first journey into Deap Lūdi.

unicolor wields the Pumpkin Basket — bask.

Then again, I do knoe of a certain other place where gettin’ eatin’ by a goste is a reel possibility.

unicolor soloing Ergoth — STIMKY ORANJ HOE SOLOS ERGOFF (REAL) (NOT FAKE) (4K FOOTAGE)

💡 Did you know? When a Mapler is slain by a Black Knight or a Myst Knight, they become a ghost doom’d to watch helplessly from beyond the grave as someone else plays an identical clone of their character, impersonating them in perpetuity.

Okay, no. I can’t actually stop other players from entering this thoroughly channelwide Ergoth fight. But if I did, I could totally solo this big bony binch (that’s what BBB stands for). For sure for sure no worries I’m shchrong as hell 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

Episode #39: “Send help”

Anywhey, now that I irreversibly consumed my entire net worth in taters for that Ergoff battol, it’s time for episode #39 of The Torkey-Forest East of Henesys, with your hosts, unicolor & IronDizz.

In this episode, it’s starting to get to us. You know exactly what I mean.

Irreversibly potatobrained — I think it’s terminal.

日本

Clearly, we need some fresch air or something. For my part, I’ll be making my first trip to the exotic realm of Japam! 🗾🗻

When I arrived @ the Muschroomb Schrine 🍄⛩️, however, it was deserted but for a single (1) man who remained behind, sitting patiently in his 団(だん)子(ご) 🍡 stand and saying the same word over & over.

Okay, well, maybe the Syôwa Town down the rowed will have… sumfink ov inch rest.

unicolor enters Showa Street 3

💡 Did you know? Syôwa Town is the only region in RevivalStory where one can indulge in a little bit of homicide.

Not entirely sure what this gaggle of angery-looking adult human men are doing milling aimlessly about the streets, but maybe that’s just the Shōwan idea of a good time. I, on the other ~~hand~~ hoof, have different eye-deers.

unicolor having just purchased one hundred Ciders — I will say this is a good bit more efficient than just browsing for half-eaten apples that’ve been on the ground a little too long.

This might be the first time I’ve got my hooves on real booze, but I can Ctrl ⎈ myself. Plus, it’s just Cider — how “hard” can it be?^[9]

unicolor sitting on a bench drunk at Mushroom Shrine as Kino Konoko looks on disapprovingly — Sorry, Kino. I didn’t mean to get plumb rooster’d…

∗ ∗ ∗

Yeet haw!

Ahem. Don’t worry, Monkey is only absent from the above image because he was phetching me some Pedialyte^® from the nearest コンビニ. I’m phyne now. Let’s do s’more ESIII, shall’st’d’ve we?

unicolor: SPEAR ATT — It only took five thousand (± a bit) years to find one, but yes, Roccy Mascs do drop Spear WAtk 60%s. If only they were for polearm instead…

That’s 🆒 & all, but how about sumphinc that’s an upgreyed like rn rn?

An Orihalcon Missel drops (unicolor: glub)

Now that’s hwot I’m taulkin’ about. The Ορείχαλκος Mistletoe is, in spite of its name, neither a plant nor a steel-toe’d boot — nor a missile, for that matter. But it is rather overpower’d for its relatively modest STR re-choir-mint of 90, with ≈13⁢ WDef and +2 — even +3, if you’re luccy — STR.

Now that we’d been mapsharing here for long enough & then some, the teleporting Masx were startin’ to really cream my 🌽…

I’mma say smth nasty — Just airin’ the lungs…

💡 Did you know? Rocky Masks evolved teleportation as a predation strategy. By rapidly teleporting back & forth, they hypnotise their prey (typically snails) into a confused stupor, making for easy targets.

But I’ve got my I’s on the pry’s. And the prise is level 35 43, the level when I can syoot up in phull levol 35 gear.

unicolor hits level 43 @ ESIII (unicolor: YEET HAW)

In honour of this big phatt levvo and the map that brought me to it, I scribbold down a li’l ol’ poëm for y’all to reed.

Poëm written on a 10% scroll

Transcription of the above

It may be that our first of encounters was strain’d,
But by now, & for all the “XP” I have gain’d,
I should know well the virtues you’ve since then maintain’d.

If there’s one thing of mushroombs I ever could ask,
I suppose it would be that they each wear a mask —
And I wish that ol’ Winston would give me a task!

With the heat & the drought I’ve done nothing but sweat;
And those mesas^[10] & Boars I could scarcely forget;
Even so, this Site offers the best training yet.

The Sharenian^[11] kingdom, its ruins gave birth
To the greatest proportion of Perion’s^[12] worth,
With its Sites & its Camps lending limitless mirth.

And for all the Pig Beaches, the FoGs, & B2s,
HHGs, CFDs,^[13] we could hardly refuse
ESIII, should we hope to just one more map choose.

∗ ∗ ∗

Hokay folks!! 🤠 Let’s mosey awn up to Miskyville, gear up, and hit up the local saloon while we’re @ it.

∗ ∗ ∗

Suitably ludibrious

Transcription of the above image

Suitably ludibrious

unicolor: y’all got any cowgirl attire?

Miru: not exactly
but you look like you could use this

unicolor: i ain’t a Playboy bunny sorry sir

Miru: nono it’s real armour

unicolor: …

Miru: czech out the stats

unicolor: hmmm

Miru: tell u what. i’ll throw in this giant axe for free if u boob the armour
buy* sorry

unicolor: LOL alright. u drive a hard bargain

unicolor’s level 43 gear — Now that’s what I caul a rootin’-tootin’ bib & tucker!!

I’m feelin’ mitey strong!! This is my first thyme finishin’ a damb weapon and my first thyme gettin’ some dadgum DEX on an overall. One of the wonderful things about my billed is that it, by its very nature, nearly (the relatively minor disadvantage of DEX notwhiffstanding) equalises the STR, DEX, & LUK stats into just… stats. So when I look @ my Phittid Mail, awl I.C. is a heap of DEF & +14⁢ stats!

Come to fink of it, I jus might be feeling powerful enuff to do sum Lyoody kvesting. Let’s start with something Lite™ like, I dunno, a yump kvest?

unicolor gets hit for 156⁢ damage by a Super Green Trickster @ Toy Factory⟨Sector 4⟩ and falls to the conveyor belt at the bottom — On 2^nd thawt, since the main gimmic of this JQ is that you’re *not* supposed to jump the stair-gaps, we may as well call it a *fall quest* (≝ FQ), in which case I’m doing an excellent job of falling to the bottom. [*pats self on back*]

💡 Did you know? Super Tricksters & Super Green Tricksters jealously guard the Machine Parts of ⟨Sector 4⟩ because they need those parts to eventually complete the construction of an automatic idol of Eiterkopf, the primary deïty revered by Tricksterkind. Widespread religious conviction amongst the Tricksters holds that the idol will cause Eiterkopf to return and reünite the Tricksters with their long-lost fleshy forebears.

As if almost unwilling to acknowledge my successes, each time I opened a gigantic plastic pail, the FQ would pause for a second before yeeting a Machine Part @ me @ sbeeds nearly breaking the sound barrier.

Machine Parts flying at maximum speeds from off-screen into the freshly-opened giant pail — Sump’n ain’t right wi’ these here buckets… 🤨

In any case, after a few trize, I managed to eckstracked a Shoe YUMP 10% from Assistant 챙.

unicolor gets a Shoe JUMP 10% from Assistant Cheng — Oh, would you look @ me. So naïve, all smiles, with that Panglossian shimmer in my eye… Till I fail’d this bad boi and all my hoaps & jreemz came crasching down. 🫠

💡 Did you know? This scroll “adds option of jump” because shoes by default — that is, with no Scrolls for Shoes for Jump passed on them — do not give the option of jumping to their wearers. That’s why I prefer to stay ~~barefoot~~ barehoof & unfettered until I can get a good shoe with option of jump.

M⁴

Notably, I also did M⁴, which is pritty simpol. It goes a littol lyke this.

Step 1: Establish yourself amongst the locals. In my case, get a regular job as a minder @ the Toy Factory. Visit the local saloon on weekends. Rub shoulders with as many Lūdibrians as you can. Stay amiable but try to stave off romantico-sexual advances. Not only are you not sticking around, but you’re not sexually compatible with LEGO^® minifigures anyway and if we’re being honest you probably don’t wanna be. You don’t even wanna know how they have sex.

A visit to Gina’s house — Tall & beautiful, yes, but also 100% acrylonitrile butadiene styrene.

Step 2: Now that you know a guy (if you’ve gotten this far, you know which guy I’m talking about), ask him in private conversation whether he knows anything about a “Secret Factory”.

Private conversation (feat. Monkey) — **Note:** Viewing this image requires clearance level 900, so it might not display properly for you.

Step 3: To prove your allegiance, you’ll be given a task. Probably something fr∗cked up like violently extracting protection fees from innocent, hardworking starred boxes. By now you’re already years deep into this quest, so the sunk cost fallacy should suffice to suppress any scruples you might have.

unicolor sheds a tear as she breaks a starred box’s kneecaps — It’s too easy…

Step 4: Now that your allegiance to the Lūdi criminal underground is accepted, make your way to the Secret Factory. You’ll find a population of Toy Trojans, in all likelihood smoking opium and playing their degenerate card games. They do not take kindly to strangers, so you’ll almost certainly have to resort to violence. Fortunately for you, the opium slows their reflexes, so this’ll be the easiest step so far.

unicolor vs. Secret Factory Toy Trojans — [*heated battol*]

Step 5: A thorough search of the Secret Factory should turn up at least one copy of The Manual. Study it carefully. Skip chapter eight, that’s the one with the minifig sex stuff.

unicolor obtains The Manual — Two (2) copies! I’ll put the other one on eBay^®.

Fig. 8 of the relevant chapter of The Manual

Step 6: Using your newly-acquired knowledge, hack into the Toy Trojans’ toy guts to rewire them to only activate when you utter a trigger phrase. Stuff your opium den caballeros into the dark sack conveniently provided by the Secret Factory and silently make your exit.

REWARD: Toy Trojan Sack ×5, 6200⁢ EXP — I never said it was worth it. This is simply what the reward is. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Up 2 u.

And that’s all there is to it! Jus 6️⃣ easy steps. 🙂

All right, let’s get Kraken

Transcription of the above

All right, let’s get Kraken

Tick-Tock 1: YOUR TICK HAS JUST BEEN TOCKED!

Tick-Tock 2: TICK-TOCK GANG!!

Out wessed 🤠 @ the ol’ Ēṓs Tower, I decided to help Delv the Toice Olger s8 his irrepressible urge to crack nuts ➡️🌰⬅️, a primal impulse familiar to any fellow nutcracker doll.

unicolor deals 1072 damage to a Ratz (unicolor: did my first >1k⁢ dmg line) — 💪😏💪

💡 Did you know? Ratzes collect Rat Traps because they’re essential components of Ratzes’ sadomasochistic pleasure-chambers. Also the metal bits make for good mouse-door hinges, and the wooden bases can be repurposed for the doors themselves & other building materials.

But for the really Tace T. Waul-Nuts Sr., I’ll need to phite the Ratzes Larj.

unicolor vs. Black Ratzes

💡 Did you know? Black Ratzes are actually the same colour as Ratzes, but appear black because they’re so thicc that light can’t escape their gravitational influence, causing them to appear black to external observers.

Although I brought Delvin more than enough Walnuttery to satisphy himb (4 now), we already had another problemb on our hands/hooves/grippy minifig claw things. The Super Tricksters have been sending their bessed (or wurssed, depending on your perspective) to purloin yet more mechanical parts for their sacred artefact thingy, and this time, grampy’s the victim. Let’s get grampy’s Pendulum back.

unicolor enters the infinitely-tall Doll’s House ✜ — [*actual Trell*]

Heh, ummmm… 😨 Ahem. This might take a sec, y’all.

Pendulum: Acquired. — Oh, thanc Cody, there it is.
…Let’s light a shuck. 🏃🏽‍♀️💨

Hokay I deliver’d the fr∗∗king Pendulum 2 gramps but now I gotta recover his mainspring ’cos he was mugged by Tick-Tock Gang™ on the way home from the grocer’s.

unicolor @ Whirlpool of Time — You know what they say: if you can’t handle the crime, don’t do the Whirlpool of Time. Or… something like that.

💡 Did you know? You’re not cool enough to join Tick-Tock Gang™. Sorry. Applicants must have little yellow feet, a sick mohawk, and a long history of organised crime.

For my oversized-axe-swinging in svc of grampa 👴 & nut 🌰 (the two pillars of our society), the honour of a choice of any weapon WAtk 60% I might like was bestrewn upon me.

Olson gives a choice of rewards — [*kowtows deeply*] I couldn’t possibly accept such an honour…

And I thincque that’s a good place 2 stoppe 4 nao. There vvill be more Lvdi qvesting, bvt if vve’re being real it dozen get any better than this. I just… get a reward? I don’t even have to desperately pray to RNGsus that I’ll get something?? (That the 60% is gonna fail anyway notwithstanding???)

But y’all come bacc now, y’hear? 🧡

Footnotes for “Enter the ferrocene.”

[↑] The actual etymology is much more interesting. A probably pretty damb old Ancient Greek origin myth has στρίξ ⟨stríx⟩ (pl. στρίγες ⟨stríges⟩) as a bird-like creature of varied description, most notably in Ovid as strīx (sometimes strix), pl. strīgēs. The Greek has no clear origin but is usually assumed to be onomatopoeic, perhaps influenced by τρίζω ⟨trízō⟩ “screech, scream, cry” or something vaguely Indo-European like that.

Stríx is generally identified with owls (e.g. modern taxonomic Strigiformes “owls”). Nonetheless some aspects of stríx are suggestive of bats. The work of Βοῖος ⟨Boîos⟩ (4^th c. BCE) is lost but Antoninus Liberalis (also Greek) paraphrases him by describing the stríx “with head below and tips of feet above”, presumably hanging upside-down. Some versions also squirt foul milk onto the lips of human infants, suggesting not a bird (in the modern sense) but a flying mammal.

Ovid’s strīgēs feed on infants’ blood. At some point stríges also became witches, as reflected in e.g. Italian strega “witch, hag”.

The (intentionally or otherwise) metathetic version stirges first appears in Gary Gygax’s Monster Manual (1977) for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. Being in English, Monster Manual reänalyses stirges as the pl. of stirge (instead of the expected *stirx). It describes the stirge as small but with a long proboscis that it uses to suck blood from endotherms.

The feathers[!] of a stirge are rusty red to red brown. Its eyes and feet are yellowish. The dangling proboscis of a stirge is pink at the tip, fading to gray at the base.

As illustrated by David C. Sutherland III. Sourced from a random scan I found on LibGen.

The original MapleStory name is 스티지 ⟨seutiji⟩ /sɯ.tʰi.t͡ɕi/. Assuming this really is supposed to be stirge, the final /-i/ presumably reflects an assumption that the derivation from Latin strīgēs would cause the English term to also have a “long e” there, presumably the FLEECE vowel (which we’ll write as /iː/, similar to its value in AmE). This would result in stirge /ˈstɪə̯ɹd͡ʒiː/.

Because stirge isn’t really an English word, it’s difficult to say whether this is “correct”. Considering that most ⟨-ge⟩ words in English are consonant-final — cf. dirge — we might instead expect /stɜːɹd͡ʒ/ (↦ *스터즈) or ?/stɪə̯ɹd͡ʒ/. Then again English does have the rare but vowel-final word dirige, also from Latin.

Another problem is that ㅈ is the transliteration of not one, but of at least three distinct possible English phonemes: /d͡ʒ/ as in jar, /ʒ/ as in vision, or /z/ as in zombie. The latter is what tript up who I can only assume were the old MapleSEA localisers (even GMS v40B has ⟨Stirge⟩), whose text was then dutifully copied by Hidden Street. Without the Monster Manual context my instinct would be to render 스티지 as *Stidgy.
[↑] Originally Sharenian: Ergoth’s Throne, RS has renamed it to Anniversary Street: Ergoth’s Lair.
[↑] A 1⧸1 is designated as such internally with deadlyAttack ≔ 1, so you may know it as a deadly attack instead.
[↑] Those interested in arealock rulesets may also find my & Taima’s LEGOman ruleset a useful reference.
[↑] The simpler version of ⟬e⟭ is, of course: “no being a member of a party”. But this is overly restrictive for obvious reasons, and this restriction can be significant in some MapleStory implementations. RS is probably not amongst them, but that’s not the point.
[↑]
The litigation footnote (unmitigated nitpickers only)

The basic mechanic used by Ergoth to allocate drops to specific PCs is already used for year-round non-event bosses. Moreover, RS uses strong loot-protection (except between fellow party members, but this is clearly irrelevant) on all monster drops, boss or not, even when no Ironvival™ PCs are involved.^[15] Both of these facts imply that the game itself — in this context, as implemented by the server — determines loot ownership precisely, and in a way that’s meant to be observable.

The drop in question is one that…:
- …Was explicitly, verbally allocated.
- …Was allocated to specifically me.
- …Was allocated at the very moment Ergoth died.
- …Was lootable, completely unassisted, by my pet at the moment it hit the floor.
If looting a drop that satisfies all of the above conditions is a violation of ⟬F⟭, then this must be for one of two reasons: either (a.) the server is bugged in a way that spuriously caused it to grant ownership to me in every possible way even when the drop was actually owned by another PC (or was unowned), thus implying that my looting it constituted a transfer from another PC(s) to myself; or (b.) there’s something spiritually wrong with how the server determines loot ownership, because the “true purpose” of ⟬F⟭ is to ensure that the iron PC “earns” 100.0% of her own items/mesos, and the server implementation in question violates this spiritual purpose.

It should hopefully be clear that (a.) is not a real option. Logically possible as it may be, it either (a1.) is wildly unlikely and entirely unobservable — the latter of which implies unactionability — or (a2.) just ends up reducing to (b.) anyway.

On the other hand, there are several good reasons why (b.) isn’t generally(!) valid either:
- Concretely speaking, there’s no evidence that Ergoth’s drop allocations are just downright, manifestly unfair.
- Given the above, rejecting the game-server’s idea of ownership implies that other situations (outside of Ergoth) are similarly questionable. Since it’s quite standard for iron PCs to make use of loot-protection (especially the preferred method: pet loot sans Magic Scales) for any ownership rulings that aren’t 100.0% straightforward, this calls into question most iron PCs that have ever existed — including those that existed prior to the implementation of Ironvival™ on 2024-12-08, some of those that exist(ed) in other implementations besides RS, et al..
- Accepting (b.) implies rejecting a transactional reading of ⟬F⟭ on which the problem is any transfer or exchange^[8] wherein the iron PC receives something, in favour of a desert reading on which the problem is the iron PC possessing any items/mesos that she didn’t entirely earn solely through her own immediate (= not mediated by other PCs) actions.
  
  These readings aren’t entirely mutually exclusive, but the point is that none of them are the sole correct one, i.e. there are multiple qualitatively distinct (and even somewhat orthogonal) angles from which someone might arrive at ironman. This can be neatly illustrated in this context with three cases:
  - A player (basically me) who leans more towards a transactional reading may see ⟬F⟭ not merely as a way to ensure self-sufficiency, but also as a way to isolate herself from exchange (and its orbit). In this case, any reasonable definition of ownership — including RS’s (more generally: the game itself’s), as argued above & below — suffices, and (b.) therefore cannot be valid.
  - A player who leans more towards a desert reading may see ⟬F⟭ as merely a rule in service of enforcing a deeper, more spiritual rule in which she must not possess anything that she didn’t “fully earn”. In this case, (b.) may or may not hold, depending on whether she thinks she earnt the drop(s) in question.
  - A player who takes the desert reading to its logical conclusion will have to worry so fretfully about the word “immediate” in the phrase “her own immediate actions” that she will have to reject all items, mesos, & EXP that have been mediated in any way by any other PC. For instance, a monster with 100⁢ maxHP & 100⁢ EXP that takes 99⁢ damage from the iron PC and is then slain (effectively for 1⁢ damage) by another PC is problematic: the iron PC will have to forgo all of the monster’s drops, and (assuming a straightforward EXP split) will have to find a way to destroy all 99⁢ EXP that they just received.
    
    This might sound overly extreme, but in fact the other PC’s mediation really does taint the results: if, for whatever reason (it would’ve taken too long, required too many resources, etc.), the iron PC wouldn’t have efficiently slain the monster otherwise, then the 1⁢ damage from the other PC practically mediates that slaying. Whether this counterfactual is true — or rather, not clearly false — in absolutely every single instance is irrelevant to the logical conclusion.
    
    If we attempt to salvage this vehemently eremitic conclusion by appealing to the commonsense intuition that the iron PC “earnt” that 99⁢ EXP (and presumably, 99% of the drops) by dealing 99% of the damage, then we can also use this intuition to justify exchange: if the iron PC gives a “fair” amount of stuff, or even vastly more than a “fair” amount, in exchange for what the other PC gives, then the iron PC clearly “earnt” what they received. But the problem with exchange was exactly that it was mediated by other PCs, and noöne could call such a PC “iron” with a straight face.
- Practically speaking, I’m investing at least as much (typically more) into the Ergoth fight as other PCs are. I get there first, have to use a sh∗rt-ton of pots, can’t be Heal’d, etc.. Therefore, at absolute most, my contribution is the only invalid part, mostly on account of dealing relatively bad damage. Even then, however, I do contribute as much as possible: I gear up, chug Ciders, optimise my movements, etc.. Moreover, this is a nonissue for an iron PC who does deal considerable DPM, so it doesn’t generalise.
Note that (b.) not being generally valid doesn’t imply that it can’t be valid in specific cases. If, similarly to my “woozy rules”, a given player wants an iron ruleset that’s stricter in this specific way, then that’s totally valid and, moreover, can be spiritually justified by recourse to the perceived spirit of ironman. The point is merely that (b.) cannot be used to argue that the ironiclassic rules as such have been violated by my interpretation of ⟬F⟭.
[↑] However, I could change my mind on this one (by adding another woozy rule), if I ever decide I wanna delay getting a vaguely similar or better polearm until level 110+ when I can finally start farming one, and then finish spending hundreds of hours doing so. Or I could settle for a stinccier (speed VIII) The Gold Dragon by, if I’m lucky, the early 8X levels.

But prolly not, since I’mma wanna farmb a spear anyway.
[↑] Including semivacuous exchanges where one side gives nothing in exchange.
[↑] The answer seems to be: it depends on whom you’re trying to fool. The original(?) description of this item refers to it as a 炭(たん)酸(さん)ドリンク “carbonated drink”, perhaps playing on the ambiguity of English drink rather than simply calling it a 炭酸飲(いん)料(りょう). Either way, this presumably tries to pass the item off as a soda-fied cloudy apple juice (a.k.a. sweet cider, apple cider, or simply cider when confusion is impossible).

GMS & EMS localise the “carbonated drink” term as softdrink, whereas MapleSEA opts for soda.

Of course we know perfectly well why drinking Cider has a deleterious effect on one’s WAcc, but the idea seems to be that verbal denial is sufficient to avoid getting a higher rating when you’re not depicting drunkenness in any meaningful way anyway.
[↑] Sic. Not mesos, but rather mesas.
[↑] /ʃəˈɹɛni.ən/ or /-ɹei̯-/.
[↑] A dactyl, presumably /ˈpɛɹi.ən/ or similar.
[↑] I am (all too keenly) aware that CFD doesn’t exist in RS (’twas added to GMS in v49). 🥲
[↑] Okay, this was true when I wrote it, and for quite a while after that. But more recently I had my first death… and lost my drops (I died like half a second before Ergoff’s 2^nd body did) & GM buffs in the process. 😔
[↑] This is untrue by definition for FFA drops, but such drops are highly restricted in scope (so far I’ve only witnessed them in Ergoth’s Lair), and they’re irrelevant anyway by our hypothesis (my ruleset explicitly rejects them entirely).

(…cnvpstdf…)

cnvpstdf

brb stars

Transcription of the above

Vajra: brb stars

unicolor: stargazing moment

Vajra: rollin rollin rollin
anybody need anything
wait
nvm

IronDizz: love

unicolor: LOL

Vajra: i[g]nore that question
pls
xD

Terrorist activity detected — The woron’t error

Harry Potter® canon lore

Transcription of the above

IronDizz: someone asked j k rowling why there were so few bathrooms in hogwarts
and she said wizards would just shit themselves and apparate it away

unicolor: wot

IronDizz: and that pissedd everyone off

unicolor: why
that sounds like a good answer to me

IronDizz: idk poopy wizard pants not good canon lore i guess

Springbored

Transcription of the above

Vajra: so he was like
we want to make it easier for people to get into gms
and msclassic world can be like a springboard
or something

IronDizz: i aint playin no gms
he can suck my gooch

unicolor: the funneling comment is confusing me tbh LOL
like i feel like if u alr know GMS is a bad game that noöne wants to
play
and ur making a new one to attract people
then you should make the new one actually good
so people play that

IronDizz: lmfao

unicolor: instead of trying to “springboard” them into

Vajra: right lol

unicolor: the one you know is bad

Vajra: lmaoo

IronDizz: that makes too much sense in the current gaming market landscape
good product? why?

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks

Transcription of the above

IronDizz: ever since i started using the pet walk
my maple brain is different
i try to think about how to continue attacking while looting
and it fucks my brain
bc ive played for 20⁢ years

unicolor: something about old dogs and new trix

IronDizz: all bark for a dog with no new tricks
you cant bite for an old bark

unicolor: thats it.

Vajra: something like that

IronDizz: the hand that feeds the dog bites back
2 dogs in the bush is worth food in the hand

unicolor: dogs of a fleece flock like geese

Vajra: well you know what they say

IronDizz: u cant have ur dogs and eat them too
(sry)

Vajra: CMS disagrees
jkjk

IronDizz: LOL

unicolor: PLS

Rabies

Transcription of the above

IronDizz: i dont like that friends and party members are red on the minimap

Vajra: yeah

unicolor: theyre all hostile creatures
hence the red colour

IronDizz: deer got rabies

unicolor: ahahah
im ferocious

Vajra: put her out of her misery

unicolor: naurrr

Credits

“Upon The Sky” (of which the first two sections are arranged for solo guitar) is due to one or more anonymous individuals employed by Wizet between the years 2001 & 2003.