rangifer’s diary: pt. cxxxv
, with indications as to
| Braincells remaining | 6 |
|---|---|
| Days since last incident | 1 |
In the previous entry, I attempted to express myself, for the benefit of whoëver might — for some godforsaken reason — want me to do that. Specifically, with respect to the direction that MapleL5s is — & long since has been — heading, & what that means to me personally. The result is reproduced below:
- I don’t like expressing negative emotions & experiences in my writing. I’ve experimented with it on sporadic occasion, & the result is typically little more than an exercise in self-humiliation & self-misrepresentation.
- I disbelieve in the general usefulness of the notions of “nerf”, “buff”, &c. (as evidenced by one of my essays being dedicated to this theme), & I’m likewise not heavily invested in the absolute “strength” or “weakness” (notwithstanding whatever this might actually mean) of my PCs apart from my in-game efforts to improve them.
- I’ve a high tolerance for bullshit, as evidenced by my continued lengthy history with MapleL5s.
- High tolerance isn’t the same as unlimited tolerance. I’ve a finite tolerance for the very essences of MapleStories being eviscerated by gamerboys under such specious excuses as “engagement”, “metagame”, “balance”, & the other usual suspects.
- There’s nothing more that I can usefully say in defence of MapleStory. If, for some reason unknowable to mere mortals, someone wanted to understand my reasoning on the subject, then they could read one of the various essays that I’ve written (&c.…). If my writings are so esoteric as to defy comprehension, or so lengthy as to defy attention, then tant pis.[1]
- I’ve mixed feelings about the secularly increasing amounts of digital/virtual self-debasement required to play my PCs — the source of the admixture being evidenced by the love demonstrated in my diary.
- I’m still here.
Now that I’ve had a little more time to reflect, this is the fuller version, adding onto the above. Because the purpose is for other people to actually read this, I’ll be brief.
I’ve played MapleL5s throughout the years (since mid-) knowing from the start that there were aspects of the game (obvious examples: HP/MP washing, leech) that were broken & unlikely to materially improve. I accepted that I’d just have to deal with these things, because the only alternative was to create my own implementation, which costs way too many braincells. Easier — healthier — to just play the game.
I’ve finally reached a breaking point, where the cognitive dissonance is no longer entirely bearable. On the one hand, I’m already heavily invested in my characters & what it’s like to play them, & I don’t know that I’ve a reasonable alternative if I want to play Maple with people — especially considering that MapleL5s is where my friends are! On the other, I no longer really feel like playing said characters, because they’re so inextricable from a game that I simply cannot trust to “at least not get that much worse”. Even literally not releasing updates at all — not that this is a recommended strategy, nor, to be sure, that MapleL5s updates are devoid of useful improvements — is sufficient to satisfy this condition.
For a while, one of my coping mechanisms was to write essays such as the aforementioned, putting my insights down to paper & simultaneously getting some of the dissonance “off my chest”. But as each new MapleL5s update continually found yet more innovative ways to chip away at the integrity of MapleStory, of my characters & gameplay, & those of my friends, I eventually encountered the “straw that broke the deer’s back”. I saw it coming from a mile away, & was still disappointed.
This isn’t a way of quitting MapleStory — I still love MapleStory very much. I’m also still here, in general. And all of the above still stands.
🧡